Gratitude

With the holidays and people madly shopping, I thought this might be a helpful reminder.

Some kids appreciate every little thing you do for them, be it listening to you tell a story or looking at the possibilities of an empty giant cardboard box. Other kids may seem dissatisfied no matter what the gift.

*photo - flickr- tomahawktim
Don’t try to do more, buy more, be more when what you offer your child attracts only a cool reception. At times we may feel inadequate, when our children show disappointment and ungrateful at the task we took time to do for them. Disappointment or anger does not help the situation. Those are your feelings, not the child's.

Sometimes it is difficult to feel thankful on demand. When they’re disappointed, accept their feelings with empathy. Avoid labels – such as “ungrateful” – because these labels become part of a child’s self image. The very characteristic you seek to prevent is actually reinforced when you attach a negative label to your child.

Instead, teach gratitude. Share your own grateful moments with your children. You be appreciative and delighted with the world around you. It'll rub off on them!

Teaching appreciation for small things is not the same as teaching kids to say “please” and “thank you.” Manners are a good skill but authentic appreciation has its source in the value of the gift and the feelings of the person offering it.

For example:
Help your children feel the meaning behind the gift. Imagine with them: “Aunt Sally thought to herself, ‘It’s Julia’s birthday! I wonder what she would really, really like! A drawing set? Or a new ball?’ And she thought about it and thought about it…”

Help children appreciate the value of things. Don’t always rush to replace a lost or broken belonging. Help your kids budget for a replacement.
Gratitude is something children learn by seeing it in action. You be grateful for this life and all the blessings and miracles in it. Take a moment now to see 3 miracles right in front of you.

Enjoy your holidays...

Emotional Coaching

Recently I attended a talk by Tania Fierro on Emotional Coaching.

It was good to see some parents I haven't seen in a while. (You know who you are!) It is so helpful to go to talks once in awhile, because you always come away with a tip or two. I know I do.

Tania, from 'Innerland', spoke about the importance emotions have in ourselves and in our relationships.

It may sound simple, but being aware of what your child is feeling—and why she is feeling it—can open up ways that will allow you to play a meaningful role in helping your child grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted.
It's the heart and mind connection.

To know your child, know yourself. Become aware of your emotions so you can be empathic to others people's emotions.

Listen to and validate the child's feelings . Everyone wants to be heard. We really have to listen to what is going on behind the words. (Besides it's good practice for other important relationships in our lives, if you know what I mean!)

Label emotions so children can identify and can tell you how they are feeling - help him discover where these feelings come from.

When we are in touch with our feelings and emotions, we can then start to problem solve.

Ways to see the emotion behind the words:

• Try seeing the world from your child's view when he is struggling with an emotion.


• Listen to your child during playtime for clues to what is making her anxious, scared, happy or proud.


• When appropriate, share your emotions with your child.


• Know that children can experience different emotions at the same time.
  
• Remember that children are learning about emotions by watching you handle yours.

There is so much to this topic. I will write more about it at a later date.

Comments? More information?

Books on this subject are posted on http://www.touchofparenting.com/ website.

Picture: Jane Costa Lima

Entitlement

I was working on a talk about 'entitlement in children' and found some interesting information that I thought I would pass along. (It may come in handy around the holiday season, if you know what I mean!)

Some people say we are raising the most indulged children ever in history.

Entitlement doesn’t just come from money spent. It comes from sheltering our children from disappointment and giving them a false sense of confidence. Some children feel owed or entitled to get their way. They have not learned to balance taking with giving.

What does it mean to over-indulge or pamper? It means ‘doing something for a child that they can do for themselves.’ ‘Or giving kids too much and expecting too little from them.’

Some examples:
· Helping a child to dress
· Packing lunches
· Fetching items
· Supervising homework
· Constantly reminding

By doing things for our children that they can do for themselves, we deprive them of critical opportunities to develop into independent adults. It keeps them from learning basic lessons of life, or of thinking beyond their own needs.


Kids need to believe they are capable. They don’t develop this belief by hearing their parents tell them they are capable, they develop it by experiences that help them practice it.

When over indulged children become adults, they may become angry at not knowing how to manage money, or may have trouble knowing when enough is enough, in their eating, shopping, or drinking habits. They may be slower to learn life skills, such as perseverance or coping with failure.


Believe me, parents are not all to blame. Our society has sold us on consumption, as if it is our patriotic duty to shop. Materialism, consumerism, and advertising have joined together to create very high expectations for the good life and a belief that we are all entitled to these expectations. Society fosters a sense of instant gratification and entitlement.

How can parents stop indulging their children?

• At a family meeting, tell your kids you've made a BIG mistake. They are going to start doing more things on their own and taking more responsibility for their actions.


• Together, identify ways that the children can become more independent.


• Teach them that freedom = responsibility


• Change entitlement to appreciation. Be a good role model yourselves for appreciation.


• Resist the temptation to give in to every desire your kids have. Stand your ground!


• Help them to get involved in small service projects. This helps kids develop empathy for others and realize how fortunate they are in comparison.
  

It takes courage and hard work to go against the demands of consumption in our society, but it is worth it to help our children grow into capable, kind, people who find the value of empathy and tolerance more attractive than the material items on display in the store window.

Strengthen the Belief System

When you see good things, beauty and potential in others, they grow to see it in themselves. When you live with passion, commitment or balance, it is easier for those around you to find it in themselves as well.

The most important role you can fulfill as a parent, relative, friend, etc, is to help children believe in themselves and their capabilities.

Building self-confidence is like igniting a bunch of little candles that glow within your child at any age. If you light lots of little candles they will radiate light, hope and warmth. Those lights nurture confident, loving children who believe in themselves and who become capable.

The language all children, teens and adults understand is love, respect, belief, human contact, play and support.

- Nice on my feelings: Terry Orlick

BACKTALK

When asking your child a simple task like picking up their toys, they may respond in backtalk like, ‘No, I won’t. I’m too tired.’ Or ‘You do it!’ Or the ever popular, ‘You can’t make me!’

Having a child rudely challenge you at every turn can infuriate the most patient parent and you start to worry that you’re raising a defiant child with no manners or consideration for others. This behaviour is common in preschool children. If your child is in elementary school years, these tips will help you conquer this behaviour as well.

Children listen and mimic how we talk to each other and how we talk to them.

Tips on dealing with backtalk:

• Take a deep breath to keep calm


• Make statements simple like, 'I don’t like to be called stupid. I will listen to you when you speak nicely to me.’


• Use choices whenever possible.


• Help children identify and manage their emotions.


• Sometimes calmly ignoring a behaviour may be the best way to discourage it.


• Is your child getting enough time and attention from you? Behaviour like this may mean they need some extra positive attention from you.

* photo by 'sesame ellis'

ROUTINE

Children in the preschool years love routines. They like their lives to be clear, know what's going to happen and they enjoy the security of comfortable repetition. A familiar routine in the morning, at mealtimes, and at bedtime can be comforting to young children and they may even eliminate the need to test limits.


As children grow older, routines can lessen many hassles around homework, or chores, especially when the child is old enough to be involved in creating the routine. The routine then becomes the ‘boss’ where everyone knows what should happen next.

To feel somewhat in control of a world that feels out of control at times, the toddler relies upon routines. The rituals of toddlers can become all consuming, like one little boy who said goodnight every night to twenty-one stuffed animals. Routines need time so allow plenty of it to avoid power struggles.

A Bit About Those Teenagers!!

Teenagers may be big, hairy, outspoken and vying for their independence. But, they still need us. They really aren't that different than we were at their age so think back to how you were in those past years...eek!! When your heart rate gets back to normal, remember some of your hair-raising escapades, read on...

Teens want parents to:

• UUnderstand their needs


• Improve communication


• To be fair, to show trust and to be respectful


• They want caring, honest parents


• Help in developing responsibility


• Have a sense of humour


• Time together


• Be good role models
  
  Teens need you in the driver's seat, perhaps not being the boss, but definitely guiding them along the way. Teens need a safe environment to help them make that step into adulthood.
  
  Teens are ready to have some input into rules and to take part in family decisions, for example: curfews, driving, allowances, chores and computers.



• Freedom means responsibility


• Get ready because teens like to negotiate. Be clear on where you stand so you have a good starting point. Kids want security, support and guidance and we can always give them that.


• And when their friends aren't around, they may even like a warm hug!