The Moment

*photo

This is something I need reminding. Life is so busy it's easy to get swept away in it without being mindful of what's going on in the moment.

John Lennon..life is what happens while you're busy making other plans...

In spite of our best intentions, we run on automatic pilot to the point where we become stressed and pressed for time.

The richness lies in the moment

We are social beings. We are in relation to others...that's where we learn, we teach, we attach, we grow, we believe. We need each other, we want people's time and acknowledgement. So do our kids....they want time and space with you.

Having undisturbed time with your children for even a few minutes a day is the only place you will learn who they are. How else can you connect? You can't hear them when you are busy doing work, or chores...Have you ever said. "I'm listening, I'm listening." while you're cooking and washing dishes at the same time?

Connecting in the moment not only allows you to be open and in wonder with your child, you learn get to be open and in wonder with yourself too.

*flickr photo: neloqua

Relationship Matters

As parents, we give many instructions to our children. 'Put on a sweater, clean up those plates,' etc. If we want our children to cooperate we must have a foundation of trust and respect. We have to have a healthy relationship. If we don't, we will find resistance.

Six critical messages, that children should hear daily verbally or non-verbally are:

1. I believe in you.

2. I trust you.

3. I know you can handle life's situations

4. You are listened to and respected

5. You are cared for

6. You are very important to me.

It is never too late to use these messages and strengthen the bond you have with your child. Make eye contact, hug, nod, smile, sit together. Take time. It's easier to give demands when you are connected.

Routine as a Higher Power

There is so much to be said about setting limits and routines for all ages. When we set limits and routines when our children are young, we can relax them as they grow and take on their responsibility.

When asked for ID sometimes, at a bar or when pulled over by a cop, we know it is the rules. It isn't about someone judging you. It's nothing personal - it's just the rules. Objective not subjective. Rules are the higher authority, not personal power.
Think of how many power struggles you could avert by practicing this idea with your children? When your child asks you for a cookie and you say "no-not now-because I said so" you are being very subjective and random. When you get fed up and say "clean up this mess" you are expressing your personal desire for tidiness.
You will likely get better co-operation and less fighting if you create routines and enforce them consistently:
"Yes - you may have a cookie - at snack time. That is when we have cookies"
"Look - the clock says its 4pm, clean up time!"
Being consistent and enforcing clearly understood rules of the house without expressing your personal power will reduce fights and aggression with your children.

* picture: jwlphotography's photostream

Texting is a Good Thing?

Most parents roll their eyeballs when you bring up the issue of texting, but there might be something exciting to explore here.
The other day I texted my 16 year old. I was upstairs and she was in her room. "Want to watch TV?" Initially it feels silly typing to the person who is on the next floor, why not just talk? But the effect is different.
Maybe it is something like the old advice to take your kids for a drive when you tell them about sex so you don’t have to make eye contact. Sometimes it just feels more comfortable writing something intimate instead of saying it. We pay more attention when texting then when we are distracted with housework. It can be safer to have meaningful conversations and gain insights into our kids lives, hearts and minds that we may not have otherwise.

Why? Because it is their medium and their preferred way to communicate about some of this stuff. And again, while it doesn’t replace personal interaction, I believe it can enhance relationships.
Don't give up on texting so quickly. You might find some treasures there if you dig.

*Alyson Schafer

Responsibility

When should a parent start teaching their child responsibility? Now.
18 mos old - 3 years old: turns lights off while being carried, carry in mail, get kid-friendly snack from the cupboard, pick up toys & clothes, put soiled clothes or diaper in hamper or trash, wash vegetables, tear lettuce, stir, help set the table, feed and water pets, take clothes out of the dryer
4-6 year olds: All of the above, plus - help find grocery items in the store, help fold towels and wash clothes, pour things, water plants, sort white clothes from dark clothes, help plant a garden, assist in meal planning, empty dishwasher and stack dishes on counter.
7-10 year olds: All of the above, plus - get herself up in the morning, help wash and vacuum car, wash dishes, help read recipes, run washing machine and dryer, change sheets on the bed, help with projects around the house.
11-15 year olds: All of the above, plus - cook meals, baby sit, buy groceries from list, wash windows, change light bulbs, make appointments, order out for family, mow lawn.
16-18 year olds: All of the above, plus - run errands, handle their own checking account, maintain car, take care of animals, help younger children with homework.
Chores provide children with purpose. Keep those little hands busy. Getting your kids involved in household tasks early provides for them a positive context that they have a role to play in contributing to the greater good of the family.

Counterwill

I went to a lecture the other night called "Why Tots Resist" by a student of Gordon Neufeld's.... (http://www.gordonneufeld.com/ ). I found this concept so interesting, I want to share it with you. The concept here is called 'counterwill'.

Counterwill is the name for the natural human instinct to resist being controlled. You know when someone is driving close behind you, trying to get you to speed up and you slow down? Counterwill!!

Someone in the cashier's lineup behind you at the grocery store, their agenda is bigger than yours and you feel they are pushing you through? Do you then take your time at the till? Counterwill.

Recognize it? It's the same thing when our kids say, "No!" "You can't make me!" "You're not the boss of me!" Or when our teens won't wear that great shirt you bought them because you like it too much. Your agenda is bigger than theirs. You get resisteance. Huh! That's why I can't make a face or a big deal around my teens now. Darn!! I have to pretend alot...pretend not to get too excited or freaked out...

Counterwill is an innate human urge to survive, to be safe, and to know a sense of belonging. It is an internal monitor, that alerts us to any threats--real or perceived--to our sense of survival, safety, and belonging.

So counterwill in children is a "good kind of stubborness" because it happens when they are beginning to take charge of themselves. Their individual self is emerging. It may test us and we may think they are manipulating us or doing it 'on purpose', but remember it is innate.

This may help you to react differently the next time your child says, "You can't make me!"

Parenting Your Teen - Trust

Does this sound familiar? "If everybody jumped off a cliff, would you?” I used to hear that from my parents. I guess that came from fear that we'd be dumb enough to follow the pack anywhere, anytime. I didn't get their fear then, but I get it now. Raising teenagers can be pretty challenging to say the least.

The majority of teen-agers are good people, but they sure get a bad rap. Some families seem to go through the teen years with little struggle and others find teen years tiring and emotional.
Trust
Parents get stuck sometimes because they see trust as an either/or situation. The teen lies, breaks curfew, experiments with drugs or does something that’s damaging to trust. The parents feel they have lost all trust in their teen.

If we view trust as a matter of degree instead of all or nothing, we may not feel so let down.

Put trust on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 being the least amount of trust, 10 the most.

For example, if your child comes in late, well after his curfew, your trust may be reduced from 9 down to a 3; that’s 6 trust levels.
Trying to get back to a high trust level will be difficult if you try to go from a 3 to a 9 all at once.

So talk about and agree on what changes and/or behaviors need to occur to go from a 3 to a 4, then from a 4 to a 5, a 5 to a 6 and so on.
In this way, everyone is involved; parents have a way of monitoring their teen’s progress and the teen has something to work toward. The incentive is, the more trust you have, the more freedom you get.

Show you have faith in them. Often, they doubt themselves and what they can do. Having an ally in the form of a caring, supportive adult can help kids achieve things they never dreamed. Letting them know you believe in them is the first step to teaching them how to believe in themselves.

Time

Happy New Year to You all!!

Hope you found time in the holidays for fun and time to slow down a bit!!!

All the best in this New Year

1. Time for you: Making time for your own personal space and personal growth needs to be a priority because it allows you the energy to be a dedicated parent and grow as an individual. Choose something that carries you, frees you, nurtures your soul and lifts your spirits, even for a short period of time.

2. Time for you alone with your child: Something magical happens between parent and child when you share focussed time together. Kids become more open and cuddly - there is true connection.

3. Time for you alone with your partner: This can easily slide away or take a backseat in your lives together. People within all relationships have some gaps between them and experience some conflicts. When we feel our partners have no real appreciation and would rather spend time elsewhere, it is difficult to maintain a strong bond. We need to come together, to feel respected, needed, and valued. A great way to do that is to spend quality time together, just like you did before you had children.

4. Time for family: A positive sense of self is generated by including each family member in a meaningful way and respecting their feelings. Kids feel important and meaningful when they are part of a group.This can include, outings, nice diners together or a movie and games night.

5. Time for your child to play with other children: Children need to learn how to interact with and be accepted with peers. It helps them to learn the importance of sharing, taking turns, being creative and feel good outside the family.