Counterwill

I went to a lecture the other night called "Why Tots Resist" by a student of Gordon Neufeld's.... (http://www.gordonneufeld.com/ ). I found this concept so interesting, I want to share it with you. The concept here is called 'counterwill'.

Counterwill is the name for the natural human instinct to resist being controlled. You know when someone is driving close behind you, trying to get you to speed up and you slow down? Counterwill!!

Someone in the cashier's lineup behind you at the grocery store, their agenda is bigger than yours and you feel they are pushing you through? Do you then take your time at the till? Counterwill.

Recognize it? It's the same thing when our kids say, "No!" "You can't make me!" "You're not the boss of me!" Or when our teens won't wear that great shirt you bought them because you like it too much. Your agenda is bigger than theirs. You get resisteance. Huh! That's why I can't make a face or a big deal around my teens now. Darn!! I have to pretend alot...pretend not to get too excited or freaked out...

Counterwill is an innate human urge to survive, to be safe, and to know a sense of belonging. It is an internal monitor, that alerts us to any threats--real or perceived--to our sense of survival, safety, and belonging.

So counterwill in children is a "good kind of stubborness" because it happens when they are beginning to take charge of themselves. Their individual self is emerging. It may test us and we may think they are manipulating us or doing it 'on purpose', but remember it is innate.

This may help you to react differently the next time your child says, "You can't make me!"