Money

It's important for our children to learn about money and banking. Children don't seem to understand the concept of money. They don't know that it takes hard work to pay the bills and save for disposable income, etc. That's a difficult concept to grasp since they don't see the work or see the money going into the bank.

They have no idea of what things comparatively cost. Well, how would they? They don't work and they only see us pulling out our wallets for groceries and goods at the store. Where does that money come from? And how come John gets an XBOX and I don't? That is totally unfair to them. Where's the justice?

It is hard for them to understand and even harder for us to explain why how this works.

Give kids allowance and open bank accounts for them when they are young so they can learn to control spending. Teach them some allowance goes into the bank to save, some goes to charity and some is to spend.

If a child has his or her own money, then the sense of control comes when they are able to buy what they want. (Even if it is something you'd rather not want them to have -within reason, of course).

The learning comes when they want something and don't have enough in the bank or they witness the bank account balance dropping everytime they withdraw.

These are trial and error moments but ones well worth experiencing.

Backing Off

I did a talk on Hyper parenting the other night. This is such an interesting subject these days. Thought I'd send a few thoughts your way.

Some parents seem to believe that if they aren't involved in their child's life 100 % of the time, then they are doing something wrong.

If we never loosen the grip on our children how will they learn to live on their own away from us? When we do all for our kids, we rob them of their own sense of accomplishments and the learning they experience when they make mistakes. This can lead to low self-esteem.

One way to back off is to connect with ourselves. It isn't being selfish. Don't look to your children to get your emotional needs met. Find other adult relationships, especially the one with yourself. If we depend on our children for our needs then we rob our children of their own childhood. There's enough pressure out there as it is for our children.

How will the quality of your life be better if you take time for yourself? Take a yoga class or read a book. Connections with our significant other is crucial. Children are actually happier when parents are happy.

* msabcmom - flickr

Calm?

Tips to get more calm in your home - set clear boundaries:

1. It is difficult at times to agree with your partner on how to parent. You really can't be together on all issues, but limits and setting routines are a good place to be agreeable. Discuss limits you want to see in your home with your partner at a calm time perhaps when you are out for a walk or a dinner. Kids know how to play off of both of you (as if you didn't notice), so it is important to present a united front on these issues. It is comforting and safe for them to know that parents are 'in charge'.

2. Be consistent. If there is no cookie before dinner, then stick to that. The one time you allow that cookie...well, you're back at square one. Your child knows that you do fold...just how far do they have to go to get that cookie? (Remember, they have more energy and stamina than you!)

3. Limits start when they are young, like brushing teeth or not jumping on the couch. When they mature, you need different limits. For example around homework, curfew, electronics. Ask your child for their input. (Kids cooperate more when they are part of the process.) It shows we have confidence in them.

4. Don't change everything all at once. Pick 2 or 3 things you would like to change and focus on those for now. Build your confidence up as well. You will see that when we react differently to situations instead of doing the obvious, kids will change as well.

*artisticcoshop - flickr

Simplicity

After the holidays, it may be a good reminder to bring simplicity back in your home life. It is hard for us parents to know how to handle the fireworks when our children have had too much sugar, acquired too many toys, and clothes. Innocently, we thought they would enjoy getting those presents and stuff!


Kids can become unruly, cranky, and whiny. This happens with over-stimulation. It could be over-stimulation in getting alot of 'stuff' or having a busy schedule, perhaps they are exposed to inappropriate information and images on TV or other media.

We can help by ensuring kids have:

• good nutrition
• routine
• good sleep
• time to just be

Can we take a step back and allow our children to get bored? That could stimulate them to explore, and play and just be kids.

Simplicity is being content with the basic gifts of life.

*photo: 4 Get Me Not - flickr

The Moment

*photo

This is something I need reminding. Life is so busy it's easy to get swept away in it without being mindful of what's going on in the moment.

John Lennon..life is what happens while you're busy making other plans...

In spite of our best intentions, we run on automatic pilot to the point where we become stressed and pressed for time.

The richness lies in the moment

We are social beings. We are in relation to others...that's where we learn, we teach, we attach, we grow, we believe. We need each other, we want people's time and acknowledgement. So do our kids....they want time and space with you.

Having undisturbed time with your children for even a few minutes a day is the only place you will learn who they are. How else can you connect? You can't hear them when you are busy doing work, or chores...Have you ever said. "I'm listening, I'm listening." while you're cooking and washing dishes at the same time?

Connecting in the moment not only allows you to be open and in wonder with your child, you learn get to be open and in wonder with yourself too.

*flickr photo: neloqua

Relationship Matters

As parents, we give many instructions to our children. 'Put on a sweater, clean up those plates,' etc. If we want our children to cooperate we must have a foundation of trust and respect. We have to have a healthy relationship. If we don't, we will find resistance.

Six critical messages, that children should hear daily verbally or non-verbally are:

1. I believe in you.

2. I trust you.

3. I know you can handle life's situations

4. You are listened to and respected

5. You are cared for

6. You are very important to me.

It is never too late to use these messages and strengthen the bond you have with your child. Make eye contact, hug, nod, smile, sit together. Take time. It's easier to give demands when you are connected.

Routine as a Higher Power

There is so much to be said about setting limits and routines for all ages. When we set limits and routines when our children are young, we can relax them as they grow and take on their responsibility.

When asked for ID sometimes, at a bar or when pulled over by a cop, we know it is the rules. It isn't about someone judging you. It's nothing personal - it's just the rules. Objective not subjective. Rules are the higher authority, not personal power.
Think of how many power struggles you could avert by practicing this idea with your children? When your child asks you for a cookie and you say "no-not now-because I said so" you are being very subjective and random. When you get fed up and say "clean up this mess" you are expressing your personal desire for tidiness.
You will likely get better co-operation and less fighting if you create routines and enforce them consistently:
"Yes - you may have a cookie - at snack time. That is when we have cookies"
"Look - the clock says its 4pm, clean up time!"
Being consistent and enforcing clearly understood rules of the house without expressing your personal power will reduce fights and aggression with your children.

* picture: jwlphotography's photostream

Texting is a Good Thing?

Most parents roll their eyeballs when you bring up the issue of texting, but there might be something exciting to explore here.
The other day I texted my 16 year old. I was upstairs and she was in her room. "Want to watch TV?" Initially it feels silly typing to the person who is on the next floor, why not just talk? But the effect is different.
Maybe it is something like the old advice to take your kids for a drive when you tell them about sex so you don’t have to make eye contact. Sometimes it just feels more comfortable writing something intimate instead of saying it. We pay more attention when texting then when we are distracted with housework. It can be safer to have meaningful conversations and gain insights into our kids lives, hearts and minds that we may not have otherwise.

Why? Because it is their medium and their preferred way to communicate about some of this stuff. And again, while it doesn’t replace personal interaction, I believe it can enhance relationships.
Don't give up on texting so quickly. You might find some treasures there if you dig.

*Alyson Schafer

Responsibility

When should a parent start teaching their child responsibility? Now.
18 mos old - 3 years old: turns lights off while being carried, carry in mail, get kid-friendly snack from the cupboard, pick up toys & clothes, put soiled clothes or diaper in hamper or trash, wash vegetables, tear lettuce, stir, help set the table, feed and water pets, take clothes out of the dryer
4-6 year olds: All of the above, plus - help find grocery items in the store, help fold towels and wash clothes, pour things, water plants, sort white clothes from dark clothes, help plant a garden, assist in meal planning, empty dishwasher and stack dishes on counter.
7-10 year olds: All of the above, plus - get herself up in the morning, help wash and vacuum car, wash dishes, help read recipes, run washing machine and dryer, change sheets on the bed, help with projects around the house.
11-15 year olds: All of the above, plus - cook meals, baby sit, buy groceries from list, wash windows, change light bulbs, make appointments, order out for family, mow lawn.
16-18 year olds: All of the above, plus - run errands, handle their own checking account, maintain car, take care of animals, help younger children with homework.
Chores provide children with purpose. Keep those little hands busy. Getting your kids involved in household tasks early provides for them a positive context that they have a role to play in contributing to the greater good of the family.

Counterwill

I went to a lecture the other night called "Why Tots Resist" by a student of Gordon Neufeld's.... (http://www.gordonneufeld.com/ ). I found this concept so interesting, I want to share it with you. The concept here is called 'counterwill'.

Counterwill is the name for the natural human instinct to resist being controlled. You know when someone is driving close behind you, trying to get you to speed up and you slow down? Counterwill!!

Someone in the cashier's lineup behind you at the grocery store, their agenda is bigger than yours and you feel they are pushing you through? Do you then take your time at the till? Counterwill.

Recognize it? It's the same thing when our kids say, "No!" "You can't make me!" "You're not the boss of me!" Or when our teens won't wear that great shirt you bought them because you like it too much. Your agenda is bigger than theirs. You get resisteance. Huh! That's why I can't make a face or a big deal around my teens now. Darn!! I have to pretend alot...pretend not to get too excited or freaked out...

Counterwill is an innate human urge to survive, to be safe, and to know a sense of belonging. It is an internal monitor, that alerts us to any threats--real or perceived--to our sense of survival, safety, and belonging.

So counterwill in children is a "good kind of stubborness" because it happens when they are beginning to take charge of themselves. Their individual self is emerging. It may test us and we may think they are manipulating us or doing it 'on purpose', but remember it is innate.

This may help you to react differently the next time your child says, "You can't make me!"

Parenting Your Teen - Trust

Does this sound familiar? "If everybody jumped off a cliff, would you?” I used to hear that from my parents. I guess that came from fear that we'd be dumb enough to follow the pack anywhere, anytime. I didn't get their fear then, but I get it now. Raising teenagers can be pretty challenging to say the least.

The majority of teen-agers are good people, but they sure get a bad rap. Some families seem to go through the teen years with little struggle and others find teen years tiring and emotional.
Trust
Parents get stuck sometimes because they see trust as an either/or situation. The teen lies, breaks curfew, experiments with drugs or does something that’s damaging to trust. The parents feel they have lost all trust in their teen.

If we view trust as a matter of degree instead of all or nothing, we may not feel so let down.

Put trust on a scale from 1 to 10: 1 being the least amount of trust, 10 the most.

For example, if your child comes in late, well after his curfew, your trust may be reduced from 9 down to a 3; that’s 6 trust levels.
Trying to get back to a high trust level will be difficult if you try to go from a 3 to a 9 all at once.

So talk about and agree on what changes and/or behaviors need to occur to go from a 3 to a 4, then from a 4 to a 5, a 5 to a 6 and so on.
In this way, everyone is involved; parents have a way of monitoring their teen’s progress and the teen has something to work toward. The incentive is, the more trust you have, the more freedom you get.

Show you have faith in them. Often, they doubt themselves and what they can do. Having an ally in the form of a caring, supportive adult can help kids achieve things they never dreamed. Letting them know you believe in them is the first step to teaching them how to believe in themselves.

Time

Happy New Year to You all!!

Hope you found time in the holidays for fun and time to slow down a bit!!!

All the best in this New Year

1. Time for you: Making time for your own personal space and personal growth needs to be a priority because it allows you the energy to be a dedicated parent and grow as an individual. Choose something that carries you, frees you, nurtures your soul and lifts your spirits, even for a short period of time.

2. Time for you alone with your child: Something magical happens between parent and child when you share focussed time together. Kids become more open and cuddly - there is true connection.

3. Time for you alone with your partner: This can easily slide away or take a backseat in your lives together. People within all relationships have some gaps between them and experience some conflicts. When we feel our partners have no real appreciation and would rather spend time elsewhere, it is difficult to maintain a strong bond. We need to come together, to feel respected, needed, and valued. A great way to do that is to spend quality time together, just like you did before you had children.

4. Time for family: A positive sense of self is generated by including each family member in a meaningful way and respecting their feelings. Kids feel important and meaningful when they are part of a group.This can include, outings, nice diners together or a movie and games night.

5. Time for your child to play with other children: Children need to learn how to interact with and be accepted with peers. It helps them to learn the importance of sharing, taking turns, being creative and feel good outside the family.

Gratitude

With the holidays and people madly shopping, I thought this might be a helpful reminder.

Some kids appreciate every little thing you do for them, be it listening to you tell a story or looking at the possibilities of an empty giant cardboard box. Other kids may seem dissatisfied no matter what the gift.

*photo - flickr- tomahawktim
Don’t try to do more, buy more, be more when what you offer your child attracts only a cool reception. At times we may feel inadequate, when our children show disappointment and ungrateful at the task we took time to do for them. Disappointment or anger does not help the situation. Those are your feelings, not the child's.

Sometimes it is difficult to feel thankful on demand. When they’re disappointed, accept their feelings with empathy. Avoid labels – such as “ungrateful” – because these labels become part of a child’s self image. The very characteristic you seek to prevent is actually reinforced when you attach a negative label to your child.

Instead, teach gratitude. Share your own grateful moments with your children. You be appreciative and delighted with the world around you. It'll rub off on them!

Teaching appreciation for small things is not the same as teaching kids to say “please” and “thank you.” Manners are a good skill but authentic appreciation has its source in the value of the gift and the feelings of the person offering it.

For example:
Help your children feel the meaning behind the gift. Imagine with them: “Aunt Sally thought to herself, ‘It’s Julia’s birthday! I wonder what she would really, really like! A drawing set? Or a new ball?’ And she thought about it and thought about it…”

Help children appreciate the value of things. Don’t always rush to replace a lost or broken belonging. Help your kids budget for a replacement.
Gratitude is something children learn by seeing it in action. You be grateful for this life and all the blessings and miracles in it. Take a moment now to see 3 miracles right in front of you.

Enjoy your holidays...

Emotional Coaching

Recently I attended a talk by Tania Fierro on Emotional Coaching.

It was good to see some parents I haven't seen in a while. (You know who you are!) It is so helpful to go to talks once in awhile, because you always come away with a tip or two. I know I do.

Tania, from 'Innerland', spoke about the importance emotions have in ourselves and in our relationships.

It may sound simple, but being aware of what your child is feeling—and why she is feeling it—can open up ways that will allow you to play a meaningful role in helping your child grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted.
It's the heart and mind connection.

To know your child, know yourself. Become aware of your emotions so you can be empathic to others people's emotions.

Listen to and validate the child's feelings . Everyone wants to be heard. We really have to listen to what is going on behind the words. (Besides it's good practice for other important relationships in our lives, if you know what I mean!)

Label emotions so children can identify and can tell you how they are feeling - help him discover where these feelings come from.

When we are in touch with our feelings and emotions, we can then start to problem solve.

Ways to see the emotion behind the words:

• Try seeing the world from your child's view when he is struggling with an emotion.


• Listen to your child during playtime for clues to what is making her anxious, scared, happy or proud.


• When appropriate, share your emotions with your child.


• Know that children can experience different emotions at the same time.
  
• Remember that children are learning about emotions by watching you handle yours.

There is so much to this topic. I will write more about it at a later date.

Comments? More information?

Books on this subject are posted on http://www.touchofparenting.com/ website.

Picture: Jane Costa Lima

Entitlement

I was working on a talk about 'entitlement in children' and found some interesting information that I thought I would pass along. (It may come in handy around the holiday season, if you know what I mean!)

Some people say we are raising the most indulged children ever in history.

Entitlement doesn’t just come from money spent. It comes from sheltering our children from disappointment and giving them a false sense of confidence. Some children feel owed or entitled to get their way. They have not learned to balance taking with giving.

What does it mean to over-indulge or pamper? It means ‘doing something for a child that they can do for themselves.’ ‘Or giving kids too much and expecting too little from them.’

Some examples:
· Helping a child to dress
· Packing lunches
· Fetching items
· Supervising homework
· Constantly reminding

By doing things for our children that they can do for themselves, we deprive them of critical opportunities to develop into independent adults. It keeps them from learning basic lessons of life, or of thinking beyond their own needs.


Kids need to believe they are capable. They don’t develop this belief by hearing their parents tell them they are capable, they develop it by experiences that help them practice it.

When over indulged children become adults, they may become angry at not knowing how to manage money, or may have trouble knowing when enough is enough, in their eating, shopping, or drinking habits. They may be slower to learn life skills, such as perseverance or coping with failure.


Believe me, parents are not all to blame. Our society has sold us on consumption, as if it is our patriotic duty to shop. Materialism, consumerism, and advertising have joined together to create very high expectations for the good life and a belief that we are all entitled to these expectations. Society fosters a sense of instant gratification and entitlement.

How can parents stop indulging their children?

• At a family meeting, tell your kids you've made a BIG mistake. They are going to start doing more things on their own and taking more responsibility for their actions.


• Together, identify ways that the children can become more independent.


• Teach them that freedom = responsibility


• Change entitlement to appreciation. Be a good role model yourselves for appreciation.


• Resist the temptation to give in to every desire your kids have. Stand your ground!


• Help them to get involved in small service projects. This helps kids develop empathy for others and realize how fortunate they are in comparison.
  

It takes courage and hard work to go against the demands of consumption in our society, but it is worth it to help our children grow into capable, kind, people who find the value of empathy and tolerance more attractive than the material items on display in the store window.

Strengthen the Belief System

When you see good things, beauty and potential in others, they grow to see it in themselves. When you live with passion, commitment or balance, it is easier for those around you to find it in themselves as well.

The most important role you can fulfill as a parent, relative, friend, etc, is to help children believe in themselves and their capabilities.

Building self-confidence is like igniting a bunch of little candles that glow within your child at any age. If you light lots of little candles they will radiate light, hope and warmth. Those lights nurture confident, loving children who believe in themselves and who become capable.

The language all children, teens and adults understand is love, respect, belief, human contact, play and support.

- Nice on my feelings: Terry Orlick

BACKTALK

When asking your child a simple task like picking up their toys, they may respond in backtalk like, ‘No, I won’t. I’m too tired.’ Or ‘You do it!’ Or the ever popular, ‘You can’t make me!’

Having a child rudely challenge you at every turn can infuriate the most patient parent and you start to worry that you’re raising a defiant child with no manners or consideration for others. This behaviour is common in preschool children. If your child is in elementary school years, these tips will help you conquer this behaviour as well.

Children listen and mimic how we talk to each other and how we talk to them.

Tips on dealing with backtalk:

• Take a deep breath to keep calm


• Make statements simple like, 'I don’t like to be called stupid. I will listen to you when you speak nicely to me.’


• Use choices whenever possible.


• Help children identify and manage their emotions.


• Sometimes calmly ignoring a behaviour may be the best way to discourage it.


• Is your child getting enough time and attention from you? Behaviour like this may mean they need some extra positive attention from you.

* photo by 'sesame ellis'

ROUTINE

Children in the preschool years love routines. They like their lives to be clear, know what's going to happen and they enjoy the security of comfortable repetition. A familiar routine in the morning, at mealtimes, and at bedtime can be comforting to young children and they may even eliminate the need to test limits.


As children grow older, routines can lessen many hassles around homework, or chores, especially when the child is old enough to be involved in creating the routine. The routine then becomes the ‘boss’ where everyone knows what should happen next.

To feel somewhat in control of a world that feels out of control at times, the toddler relies upon routines. The rituals of toddlers can become all consuming, like one little boy who said goodnight every night to twenty-one stuffed animals. Routines need time so allow plenty of it to avoid power struggles.

A Bit About Those Teenagers!!

Teenagers may be big, hairy, outspoken and vying for their independence. But, they still need us. They really aren't that different than we were at their age so think back to how you were in those past years...eek!! When your heart rate gets back to normal, remember some of your hair-raising escapades, read on...

Teens want parents to:

• UUnderstand their needs


• Improve communication


• To be fair, to show trust and to be respectful


• They want caring, honest parents


• Help in developing responsibility


• Have a sense of humour


• Time together


• Be good role models
  
  Teens need you in the driver's seat, perhaps not being the boss, but definitely guiding them along the way. Teens need a safe environment to help them make that step into adulthood.
  
  Teens are ready to have some input into rules and to take part in family decisions, for example: curfews, driving, allowances, chores and computers.



• Freedom means responsibility


• Get ready because teens like to negotiate. Be clear on where you stand so you have a good starting point. Kids want security, support and guidance and we can always give them that.


• And when their friends aren't around, they may even like a warm hug!